A Worshipful Heart

I'm Just Me

In November 2009 I changed my "job title" from Worship Pastor to Missionary. 

And all of a sudden people treated me a little differently. But I wasn't any different. I was the same person. 

When I became a missionary I didn't become more spiritual or more sacrificial or all of the sudden sprout a cape and become a super Christian. I am still plain ole' Jan. Mom. Wife. Friend. Average middle aged woman. I still struggle with moments of anger and bitterness, unforgiveness and jealousy, I still get my feelings hurt easily and have loads of unanswered questions. I still struggle with the desire to be loved, needed, accepted. I still long to hear words of affirmation. I look in the mirror and I am still the same me. No glow. Just me. 

As I begin to work in other countries, people seemed to imagine that I live a life of "exotic spiritual adventures" that is somehow easier than everyday life. I do in fact consider my "job" to be a great privilege. I love, love, love what I do. I am thrilled that I get to visit other countries and meet new people and be with the Body of Christ around the world. I'm so glad God set me on this path. 

But it's not all one big great adventure.

I get scared ALOT of times. I feel very uncertain. I get oh so lonely and oftentimes fight homesickness. I have to ask for money all. the. time. And boy does that get old. I have to teach in situations that I KNOW deep in my soul I am not in any way qualified to do so, but I have to suck it up and do my best anyway! I have many doubts and feel insecure. I don't always feel super spiritual. In fact I rarely do. I wonder constantly why in the world God would use me in this way - or at all. 

So please don't look at me and think that God called me to be a missionary because I am "special". I am not. I'm just me. I am a missionary because it was the path forward for me, the way before me, the next step in my journey with Christ Jesus, my Savior. To do anything less would have been disobedience for me. I was "compelled by love".....

Sometimes I even think God set my feet on this journey more for my sake than for the sake of others. I have certainly learned more than I ever have taught. I have been a witness to the love of God in ways I never imagined before. I have had my heart pulled out of my chest and rearranged completely, my world turned upside down, my "box" broken, shattered and my priorities upended. Through all of this God has changed me - and that, my friends, has been the greatest of mercies. 

And along the way, if someone is pointed with a shaking finger to the love of Jesus, I will rejoice. 

 

We Will Remember

I really waged a battle with myself about writing this post. I wasn't sure I wanted to think about it being the one year anniversary of April 27, 2011 - much less write about it and dredge up all the emotion again. (Here's my first hand account of the day.)

I, along with most other Alabamians, still feel panic when we think about that day. When I look at pictures and videos I actually feel fearful and my heart pounds with anxiety. Many times I even begin to cry. We still feel a deep heartache as we ride down the road and come across another corner of our beloved state that is scarred, looking for all the world like a war zone.

No, we will never forget.

Not because we might not want to, but because we simply cannot. I can tell you almost every detail of that day because it is seared with terrible clarity on my heart and mind. And I am not alone. This is the new Alabama. The one following April 27, 2011. 

So what is a fitting "remembrance" to write? I really am not sure. Is there really a GOOD way to honor and remember those that lost their lives, their homes, their health and certainly their peace of mind? Is there any way to say an adequate "thank you" to all the meteorologists and  emergency personnel that worked so tirelessly? Can we fully express the gratefulness we feel towards friends and neighbors - and total strangers - who showed up, pitched in, helped out, held our hands, cooked for us, sent supplies and prayed? 

No. I don't think we can. Nothing seems appropriate or quite fitting. 

Nothing feels like enough. All words seem pale, and insignificant. This is too deep.

But here's my bumbling try. 

Today, when I remember, I see faces flash through my mind. Yes, I remember the destruction. Unfortunately I still feel the fear. But what I choose to remember are the faces. Behind every face is a story. And all of our stories matter. 

 - In Marshall County - The man who stopped by my parent's house because the Lord told him to "go help someone". God, may my heart be tender and sensitive to your voice - and to the pain of others. 

 - In Lawrence County - My husband toting a chainsaw through a field of rubble, intent on helping however he could. God, may I be a willing servant, longing only to help others.

 - In Tuscaloosa - My son, sorting supplies, and hauling downed trees. God, may I realize I always have something to offer, even when I may not feel "skilled" or "gifted". 

 - In Harvest - The woman who lost everything who allowed us to pray for her and who told us - and taught us - that she had much to be thankful for. God, may I always see my blessings and provision instead of focusing on my lack. 

 - In Tuscaloosa - The Mennonite woman from Pennsylvania frying fish, the fishermen from Mobile frying shrimp - and handing it out with a side of big smiles and pats on the back. God, may my heart be big enough to love people that are not from my neighborhood and that are not like me. 

 - In Phil Campbell - The woman who grimly shared that the bodies of eight of her neighbors had been pulled out of the pond in front of her house. And then she cried, wondering how she'd been spared. God may I always have sympathy and compassion. May I learn to "mourn with those that mourn and weep with those that weep". 

 - In Langtown - the old man who lost his house, who cried in my arms, telling me "It's hard to start over when you're 95 years old." God, may I always be willing to admit the truth and share my heart with others. And Lord, help me not just "walk on by" when someone needs a shoulder to cry on. Or someone to pray. 

 - In Trinity - my friend Kristen, who gave up vacation time to come love on and pray for those who had been affected by helping them find clothing, groceries and supplies.  God, make my heart loving and unselfish! May I be willing to sacrifice my comfort for others. 

 - In Birmingham - (no faces - just posts on facebook!) where the movement "Toomers for Tuscaloosa" was birthed and thousands of volunteers have been mobilized across the nation - Auburn grads and fans working selflessly to show support for the University of Alabama and all of our beloved state. God, may I be quick to use all you've given me to meet the needs that are before me - no excuses!

 - In Langtown, where a young man named Jesse - redneck and uneducated to the core - told me with tears in his eyes that he didn't know what he would do now because he didn't have any insurance on his trailer. I can still hear his voice as he very gently reminded me "You know, when you're dirt poor, insurance is a luxury". God may I remember those who are less fortunate, may I remember you have given me all I have to serve you and love others. God, don't let my heart be selfish and greedy. May I live with an open heart and open hands. 

God heals in his own ways. And across much of Alabama he has used you. And me. And countless others. To show his love, to bring healing, to encourage, to lift up, to say a prayer, to CARE. 

In the midst of the destruction, people were God's finest provision.

How amazing is that? 

Here are a few images from the weeks we worked in different communities around Alabama.

 

 

 

 

Anger Management

I'll admit it. I have a problem with anger. 

It might not be like you'd imagine though. My problem is that I struggle to communicate honestly and early when something is bothering me. I just suck it up and respond as politely as possible because that is what a lady - and for sure a Christian lady in the south - is supposed to do. It's not gracious or ladylike or NICE to be angry. And at heart, I detest conflict. I run from it. 

My problem with anger is that I do not know how to be angry in a healthy way. I get mad (or hurt) and bury it, get mad (or hurt) and bury it, get mad (or hurt) and bury it and then I get mad (or hurt) one last time and I loose it. All along the way I've probably hinted that I am unhappy, or said very politely that this is not acceptable but I probably have not communicated clearly that something really bothers me. Generally it takes me getting really fed up and frustrated to reach this point and then....BAM! 

You will know EXACTLY how I feel!

This happened today. We've had a frustrating eight weeks of trying to first get our new refrigerator fixed, then replaced. After probably twenty phone calls and about nine service calls I got tired of the polite "answers" that meant nothing and I told that customer service representative exactly what I thought of Frigidaire appliances! I raised my voice, I cried (this is how you know I'm REALLY angry) and generally let her have it. And now I feel so bad. I don't even feel so much like I was wrong because they have showed an amazing lack of integrity in dealing with this, but anger always makes me feel dirty and ashamed. I never, ever feel it's okay. 

And I totally know this is ridiculous. But I can't seem to "unlearn" it. I don't know how to be angry in a positive way, if that makes sense. 

And if someone repeatedly hurts me or treats me badly, I will eventually just clam up and walk away. 

Forever. It's not an issue of forgiveness but of trust. 

So that's my confession tonight. 

I have an anger problem. 

 

What about you?

 

A Bigger Picture (of the Body of Christ)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Every Sunday morning I get up and check Facebook and Twitter and see posts like this roll across my screen:

"Can't wait to worship with my faith family at Happy Fantabulous Church this morning!!!!". 

This makes my stomach AND heart hurt. As someone who is currently without a true "church home" this idea that our "faith family" only consists of those we attend church with hurts me so deeply.  Sure those posts make me feel left out, but worse, they make me realize that I am - currently, by this definition, no one's faith family. Which is, of course, ridiculous. I know this. I even know that this is not what is intended.  

Regardless of all we supposedly know, I am saddened by what this implies - that the Body of Christ for all real and practical purposes pretty much stops at the walls of our church. We are very attached to our churches. We are all very proud of our churches. We are all excited about our churches. But I don't often see that we are truly really attached to the fullness of the entire, true Body of Christ. 

I think our vision is limited, our box is too small. We are missing so much.....

Our "faith family" is the entirety of the Body of Christ. It is more than our church.

It runs across all denominational lines, Catholics and Protestants alike, all races, all nations, all cultures and languages, Charismatic and Fundamentalists, right wing and liberal - you get the picture. To further blow your mind, have you ever considered that the Body of Christ is also across all TIME? Our "faith family" includes all Believers in Jesus Christ throughout all ages!

And if that is not enough to blow your mind, the Body of Christ is also all Christians even if they do not hold your views or opinions! (I have to remind myself of this quite often!) 

The Body is BIGGER than us, our small experiences and our personal opinions, our limited knowledge, our culturual bias, our comfortable little Sunday morning box we call CHURCH. 

 How beautiful - and messy - is this?! We could learn so much from one another!

I have brothers and sisters in Christ that I know and love scattered all over the world, and yes, all over Twitter and Facebook. :) Our hearts are connected by "whose we are", not by where we go on any given Sunday morning. Or how we worship. Or what language we speak. Or what color our skin is. Or even if we agree. Jesus is what matters. Not my box. 

So what would it look like if we were to expand our horizons, open our hearts - and arms - and "live" what we already know? What would it look like if we actually lived out one of my favorite verses in the Bible, 

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." (John 13: 34-35)

What would it look like? 

In March I was in this remote village in the northern section of Rwanda. I was invited to a man's home and after hiking for a couple of miles to reach it, we sat in his tiny courtyard with his wife, four children and many neighbors and studied the Bible together. He was a largely uneducated man who had never ventured much farther than his village. Yet he said the most profound thing....

"You are from America. I am from Rwanda. Your skin is white, mine is black. (he held his arm over to mine for comparison) But we are on the same journey with Christ."

I think that says it all.....

But seriously, what would it look like? Any ideas?

 

 

 

Once Upon a Time

**Phil and I are enjoying some time together this week in sunny Costa Rica for an early anniversary trip. While we're there we will celebrate the 29th anniversary of our very FIRST DATE!. I thought this was the perect opportunity to share the entire story....... Enjoy!

 

 

Once upon a time I was a young woman with stars in my eyes, certain that God had great things in store for me. But I hit a big snag in high school life when the week of my Junior prom, the guy I'd been dating called and shared that he had to work. My dress was bought, all the plans were made, and all, and I do mean ALL of my friends had dates. I was so discouraged. I thought and thought about what to do and one night my Dad volunteered to take me to the prom. Now things were serious. The only thing worse than going to the prom alone (or not going at all) would be to go with my father. So after a bit more thought, my father came up with a brilliant idea. 

He suggested that I call Phil to see if he might just go as a favor to me. He had recently come home from school and had become a Christian. I had known Phil since about 3rd grade but he'd been attached all during his own high school years so I really had never considered dating him. But I called him and although he was not home, I shared with his mom what was going on and what my predicament was. Amazingly, he actually called me back. He told me later that he called me back to tell me that he wasn't interested but that I sounded so pitiful that he went out with me because he felt sorry for me. (this really upset me for years)

Regardless, we did go out. (picture above!) We had a mixed evening - a great dinner at the Lodge at Guntersville State Park, and then a less stellar dance. The band played horrible music very loudly so that no one could really dance or talk. Finally, there was one slow song and Phil stood up and said something. I couldn't understand him but figured he was asking me to dance so I stood up and we danced. (Later Phil would tell me that he said "I'm going to the bathroom." Apparently I can't read lips in the dark!) 

As we drove home that night Phil reached over and held my hand. At that moment I knew he was the man I would marry. I heard God speak this to my heart so loudly that it almost seemed to be audible. When we got home, he kissed me good night very tenderly and I went inside, floating on a cloud. I remember telling my mother that night that I knew that Phil was the man I would one day marry.

Fast forward.....

For all of my excitement, Phil did not call back immediately. In fact, he didn't speak to me for an entire month. It was very discouraging. He told me later that he spent that month arguing with God. He wanted to date a college girl, not someone still in high school. But eventually things worked out. We were working on a summer mission team together and one day he gave me a ride and we began dating soon after. I was 17, he was 18 and in three short months we were engaged. 

People have often asked me how I knew that we were supposed to be married.

I always tell them God told me.....

And I thank God for that. Phil is my best friend. I cannot imagine being married to anyone else.

You just never know how one night can change your life!

Beloved Rwanda

It's that time again! I leave for Rwanda next Friday, March 16th - headed back to this country I have come to love. As always, I'll be helping with church planting, sharing the gospel and providing a free "A Worshipful Life" conference for area pastors and church leaders. (We've invited 250 this time! We've never tried this before!) 

Someone asked me what I need today. This never changes.

 

1) I need your prayers. I've developed a prayer calendar for while I'm gone and posted it below. Next week I'll post very specific requests for each day. Right now, my goal is to fill this calendar with those who will commit to pray - for me, for those I will work with, for new believers and the new churches and for the pastors I'll be teaching, AND for my family who will be home without me. 

2) I need your encouragement. Ministry trips can be very lonely. There is very real spiritual warfare and the days are long and hard. It would be extremely helpful if I could take notes from friends with me to read each day that I'm there, letting me know how you're praying, sharing a Bible verse, etc. You can send these two ways

      a) by email as an attachment so I can wait to read it there. Send to janjowen@gmail.com OR

      b) by mailing me a card to 1319 Baker Mountain Road, Grant, Al. 35747 that I can take with me. (I LOVE CARDS!) 

Here's the prayer calendar! I hope you'll sign up! It's such a special blessing to know you are praying.

Building a Team

In 2009 I took a huge leap of faith, resigning from my long held staff position as a worship pastor and beginning this adventure called the Give Worship Project. I began traveling to many different countries to help train pastors and church leaders in the area of worship discipleship and the spiritual life of a leader. And what a ride it's been!

What I didn't anticipate was how glorious it would be on one hand and how utterly lonely it would be on the other hand. I had worked as a part of teams as a worship pastor. I was a member of a staff team and of course I had the worship and creative arts teams. I NEVER worked alone. Now I did so alot of the time. And while I have many faithful friends who pray for me, I  realized I needed to build a strong team of friends who would partner with me in ministry. I needed a team.

So as I begin this next phase of ministry as a staff member with e3 Partners, I know that my first priority is to build this team. Much of my work will be similar to what I've done for the past two years, so I know how important it will be to have this team of supporters.

That's where you come in....

I need you!

1. I need a solid team of prayer warriors that not only receives periodic updates, but takes the initiative to pray for me and WITH me. I need a team of people who will seek God on my behalf and on behalf of the people I work with and serve around the world. I need people who will come pray WITH me, who will send prayers with me on trips, etc. so that I feel encouraged and strong as I travel and minister. I need a wall of protection provided by the prayers of godly women and men! And I need a team that will celebrate and rejoice with me as I return home!

2. I also need a team that will financially partner with me each and every month, supporting the ministry I do and supporting me as I do ministry. Raising this team of financial partners is one of my most important jobs as I begin my life as a missionary with e3 Partners - because without them, I cannot go. I cannot be free to devote my time to mission work and ministry. And I'm so close to raising this team of supporters.

I only need $370 more committed per month - and any amount helps! I have supporters that give amounts anywhere from $25  - $300 month! It all helps! This support gives me a firm foundation as I launch out into this new era of ministry.

It's easy to give and set up a recurring, tax-deductible gift. 

Just go to my staff page -  www.e3partners.org/janowen and click on the donate button!

Thank you for reading! I hope you'll prayerfully consider being a part of my team!

 

I Challenge You to Read! (A Book List for 2012)

I am an avid reader. I am happiest with a stack of books on my nightstand - or now, a bunch of unread books on my Kindle. Books inspire me - whether they be fiction or non-fiction, autobiographies or history. I love to read and I learn so much from reading. 

Every once in a while a book comes along that doesn't JUST inspire, it CHALLENGES me. It makes me think. It gives me new ideas to ponder. It upsets me, even. In the end, God uses these writings to help me grow. 

So here is my recommended reading list for you for 2012....I hope you'll be challenged as well: 

1. The Dangerous Act of Worship: Living God's Call to Justice by Mark Labberton - This book sent me on a journey. An uncomfortable journey at that. As a worship pastor and a regular church attender this book challenged me to realize that as I worship God, my heart must begin to hurt for what hurts him. I must begin to love what he loves. I must become concerned about more than my own church even. I'd say that reading this book was one of the catalysts for starting the Give Worship Project. 

2. Community 101: Reclaiming the Local Church as a Community of Oneness by Gilbert Bilezikian - My favorite verse about community has always been John 13:35, "By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." This verse constantly challenges me and gives me hope and - on some days - makes me sad because I think we do such a bad job of truly loving one another. Dr. B, as he is affectionately known, does a masterful job in discussing and challenging us to true Biblical community and oneness as the Body of Christ. And since I have the honor of having spent time personally with the author I can tell you that he lives what he writes!

3. Radical: Taking Back Your Faith From the American Dream by David Platt - This book will simply turn your world upside down. That's about all I can say. 

4. Half the Sky: Turning Oppression into Opportunity for Women Worldwide by Nicholas Kristof and Sheryl WuDunn - After you read this book, ignorance will no longer be an excuse. You'll be horrified, terrified and in tears - all in the first chapter. But yet you will see moments of hope - but you'll have your eyes opened wider than you might like! If you enjoy a safe, comfortable existence, it's time to find out how the most oppressed people in the world live - women in the eastern half of the world. 

5. As We Forgive: Stories of Reconciliation from Rwanda by Catherine Claire Larson - I read this book after my first visit to Rwanda, where stories of neighbors killing neighbors were fresh on my mind. I also read it in the middle of my own journey to forgive. It was a rear-kicking account of TRUE stories of forgiveness and reconciliation in the wake of a genocide that left almost a million people dead in just 100 days. There are brilliant chapters interspersed that teach on Biblical forgiveness and reconciliation - this would be a great read for a small group.

6. Plan B: What do you do when God doesn't show up the way you thought He would? by Pete Wilson - Pete Wilson is one of my favorite pastors. He's funny, kind, challenging and humble. And I'm glad to call him a friend in ministry. Reading this book was very healing for me in the midst of my own "Plan B" experience. I might read it again this year!

There you have it. My recommendations for your reading in 2012. Make it count!

**Disclaimer: Don't read these books if you don't want to be changed!**

What book has really challenged you? What would you recommend that others read?

Happy Birthday to Me! (Thoughts on my 46th Birthday)

Yes, today is my birthday. My 46th birthday. I know that alot of people don't want to admit their age but I'm proud of every year!

And I love to celebrate my birthday. To rejoice in another year of life. To spend a day doing something fun, taking a break from "normal" to go out and wander and give myself a little space to think and look back and to give thanks for another year of LIFE. To be amazed that God loves me and some pretty special people do too. To spend a few moments acknowledging the fact that God made ME and he made ME on purpose and he made ME as I am - with my looks, my personality, my gifts and talents and abilities.

What a wonder it is to actually celebrate that! As I get older, this becomes more and more important to me - that I become at peace with myself and who I am and understand how God can use even me. I am just now becoming accepting of myself. I spent years fighting who I was and lamenting "me"- always wanting to be something I am not - longing to be more beautiful, more talented, quieter, less sensitive, whatever! It's taken me at LEAST 46 years to be able to say with the psalmist David,

"I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." (Psalm 139:14)

My birthday gives me a day every year to remember this, a truth that is sometimes hard to keep sight of in the grind - and disappointments - of daily life. We are so often told what we "should" be like - or shouldn't be like -  that we often fail to see the beauty in how God created each one of us. Our quirkiness and individuality and unique abilities and perspectives show what an astoundingly creative God we have. 

So today is my birthday. And today I will stop to thank God that I am loved. I will stop and remember that I AM special, no matter what others tell me. I will be glad that - somehow - God uses me. 

Me! An opinionated, creative, tender-hearted, sensitive, talkative woman from Alabama who thinks too deeply, feels everything to the core of my being, and dreams big dreams and loves people. 

Happy Birthday to me!

(Since today is my birthday, leave a comment with one (nice!) word you'd use to describe me! That will be a fun gift!) 

One Word 2012: Discipline

    As I begin this new year of life - a new calendar year and a literal new year of life as my birthday comes on January 3rd right at the beginning of the year - I'm doing alot of thinking. I've felt a bit at lose ends since quitting my very daily job as worship pastor in 2009 to do mission work. I've felt like I was floating along, doing periodic mission trips but feeling no true purpose in my day to day life. This led to moments of acute depression and a feeling that my life was literally passing me by and nothing I did mattered. I felt paralyzed.

In the fall of this year I had a cancer scare. It ended up being benign but just thinking of the possibility of having a fatal illness made me really think of what I wanted in life - of what was important. I knew some things had to change.....

So as I approached 2012 , I resolved to take steps forward. I have recognized that I have to take charge of my life instead of waiting for things to "happen". I knew I had to take steps of action based on what I really want in my life and what I feel God has called me to do.

So I applied to go back to college, signed up for a weight loss and exercise program and made my list of goals for 2012 - and to do all this I will need one thing I struggle with. I will need

DISCIPLINE 

Discipline is simply an activity or regimen that improves a skill, the act of training.

So that is my word for 2012 - Discipline. I pray for the discipline to get up with purpose each morning and to make each day count. I pray for the discipline to take steps forward even when I feel that step might not matter to anyone but me. 

Because I feel like God is preparing me for something - and it will require my disciplined obedience in this season of my life. 

I will need all the encouragement I can get so please pray for me!