A Worshipful Heart

My Favorite Things

We're home and busy sorting and doing laundry, unpacking, and trying to figure out what time it is! I'm pretty jet lagged and feel a bit foggy but that will pass - just in time for me to leave on my trip to see my good friend Lana in Heidelberg, Germany. (leaving next Sunday) While I'm there we're going south to Bavaria and then on to Salzburg, Austria. In honor of my trip to Sound of Music country I'm writing on "my favorite things" (this was the first song I ever sang as a solo, in the 5th grade talent competition!)........

So here's a list of My Favorite Things - totally random and in no particular order, except when they popped into my head.....

1. a good book and plenty of time to read it

2. a day at the beach - see #1

3. a hot bath - see #1

4. singing and making music with friends - no agenda, just singing and seeing what happens

5. flowers - seeing roses, irises, hydrangaes, etc blooming and smelling them!

6. getting a massage - this is great therapy and the relaxation is all natural!

7. a walk or hike in the woods, especially in the spring or fall

8. traveling with Phil and discovering new places

9. a hug from my children and hearing them say "I love you mom".

10.  holding hands with Phil

11. hearing my family laugh

12. waking up next to Phil (he's gone so much I don't take this for granted!)

13. my pajama pants

14. riding a jet ski out on the lake - woo hoo!

15. a porch swing or rocking chair and some quiet time to myself

16. a card (or even an email) from a friend - i save them all!

17. going barefoot or at least wearing flip flops! no shoes!

18. a shrimp dinner - especially down at the gulf

19. seeing the leaves change

20. taking a ride in the country - i'm still a country girl at heart!    

21. my Bible - it cost $20 but it's broken in and underlined well and I've superglued it together more than once!

22. taking pictures and then putting them around my house and office so I can always be reminded of special people and moments in my life

23. Chocolate Thunder from Down Under from Outback Steakhouse! yum!

24. My mom's peach cobbler with ice cream!

25. homemade ice cream

26. my iPod - all my music in one place! yea!

27. praying with a friend

28. candlelight - it reminds me of the Light of the World and the presence of Christ

29. doing something fun with my kids

30. warm weather and sunshine

31. Christmas cookies

32. sitting in the dark with only candles and the Christmas tree lights - so peaceful

33. a clean house

34. a rainy day where I can stay at home and do nothing

35. being hugged

36. riding in a convertible

37. fresh green beans cooked all afternoon

38. antiquing - looking through old stuff!

39. worshiping with friends

40. a cold Mountain Dew over crushed ice - but I need to give this up completely!

41. wearing jewelry that has "meaning" - things Phil or my kids or friends have given me or that belonged to my grandmother - it feels like they are with me.

42. having Phil home

43. coming home - i thank God for our house

44. snow days (we're due!)

45. an afternoon nap

46. listening to a great guitarist

47. Alabama Football

48. being from the South

49. a southern drawl

50. friends I can be myself with......

I could think of so many more but I am still foggy so I'll go for now. Hopefully I'll post a photo album of our Kauai pictures tomorrow.

   

Serendipity

Serendipity is defined as the event of an unexpected discovery. Our time in Kauai has been filled with those! Here are a few we've experienced in the last few days.

First we made a return to Brenneke's Beach, the scene of our terror filled attempt at boogie boarding last year! This year was much better though and we had a great time enjoying riding the waves and swimming with the sea turtles! They were all over the place and one in particular really loved riding the waves with me. It surfaced within a few inches of me over and over again, surfing the waves right beside me. It was at least three feet long!

Then we went off the beaten path and discovered some smaller beaches a little to the east. The picture above is the first one we came to. Isn't it beautiful? We also found this little bay where the swimming was splendid and I even did a little snorkeling. We enjoyed a walk around the point and just enjoying the beautfy of the day. It was a great "serendipity" for us to find these beaches and enjoy the beauty of God's creation.

We ended our day with dinner at Duke's, which sits right on Nawiliwili Harbour and had a delicious meal in a breath-taking setting. They had a trio of two ukelele players and one guitarist that came to our table and played and sang for us. We requested a love song and they sang and played "I Can't Help Falling In Love With You" - which of course made me cry! It was so precious to be sitting there holding hands with Phil, the love of my life for 25 years now, on the beach in Hawaii and to hear that song being sung for US!

Today we took our 4WD Jeep and did a bit of exploring - up by the Wailua River. We drove and drove and drove, passing the spot where the Jurassic Park Gates used to be, and taking a jungle hike to the special little waterfall you see here. We were miles and miles from any civilization and the scenery was superb! We went to the absolute end of the road (and I use this term so lightly) and found another wonderful "serendipity" awaiting us. We drove right up to an upper branch of the river and here is the beautiful scene we were treated to below.

 

Wow! What a time we've had here on Kauai! Tomorrow is our very last day and our flight out leaves at about 10:00 pm. We'll arrive back in Madison around 5:30 pm on Saturday. Watch for more postings of pictures - we captured so many unbelievably beautiful scenes and I can't wait to share them with you. We appreciate your prayers for a safe return!

We Made It!

I am proud to say that Phil and I completed our personal challenge -sea kayaking almost 18 miles around the Na Pali coastline to land on Polihale Beach. This area is very remote with no services and only one beach landing for the day, which was at a beach designated only for kayakers. No way to hike or drive in! The entire day was an adventure I'll remember the rest of my life.

So here's the short version. We arrived at the beach around 6:30 and I knew right away I was probably the weakest link. Most were younger than us but it ended up that our strongest paddler was by far our oldest member - Jerry - around 65 years old and still running ultra marathons! We couldn't keep up with him! We launched from Haiena Beach park on the far northern area of Kauai to head around the point. As we headed out to sea in our tandem kayaks I will admit to being a bit fearful. There was no turning back at this point and we had been warned of seasickness, fatigue and sunburn. I wanted to finish the day well and it was a challenge to pace ourselves yet still keep up. As you can see above the first bit of sea was smoother but we were constantly riding 5 foot swells. We saw wonderful scenery and amazingly close views of pods of dolphins and many sea turtles and even the endangered Monk Seal, which is native to Hawaii. (he crawled right up on our  beach!) We went into a sea cave and stopped here and there for a swim. I loved getting out of the kayak and swimming out in the open ocean. The water was so clear you could see all around you - it was amazing. UNTIL I tried to "Superman" my way back into the kayak and dunked Phil! Oh well, he needed to get in for a swim anyway! We would capsize two more times that day! We stopped for a break nearer our lunch site - about 8 miles into the day - in a sea cave without a top, if that makes sense. It was beautiful. But when we came out we had to go straight out to sea because of a reef we were trying to avoid. We were on the windward side of the island and the wind had picked up, making it about a medium chop. We were also near a cliff, which meant the waves bounce back and you catch them from both directions. I didn't feel like we were making much progress and then when we got tipped over by a wave I really struggled to get back in with all of the waves around us. I don't have any pics of this part of our journey as we were struggling just to paddle!

This is a picture of our secluded beach. The only people there were kayakers - and at 11 miles from the nearest put in point there weren't many of them there. We found tons of beautiful shells and had a great lunch of fresh pineapple (out of this world) and sandwiches. Phil and I hunted for shells, walked around and reapplied our sunscreen. By this time it was unbelievably hot. We were on the west side of the island and it was about 1:00. Only 1 1/2 hours of paddling to go, and it was fairly smooth, but we were exhausted. It was the hardest paddling of the day and the beach seemed like it was SO far away! The sun and wind were scorching hot and my arms were so sore. This is the part of the trip that Phil and I had to really focus to finish. (I don't guess we had a choice but it was hard to keep going) I had to make myself count in sets of 200 strokes and promise myself a respite afterwards. We jumped out one more time to swim and then - finally - we approached Polihale and made a "surf landing", which seemed fairly simple with some help. We had done it! I was so amazed that I could do this very physically taxing thing given how sick I had been in the past two years. Even tired, hot and sore, I was proud and thrilled.

We  showered, changed and piled into the van for the two hour trip back to our cars. You can believe I bought the tshirt and when you see me wear it, know that I wear it proudly and with thanksgiving for a healthy body and a strong husband! :) Seriously, last night was killer. I thought maybe I had broken something in one of my arms, but a little med, a hot bath and some sleep and I am still sore but fine. Today was a slow day as a result, but we had an adventure not many people will ever have and I am really amazed by that. This may not make sense to you, but I really did enjoy the creation of God that is my body during this adventure. I am thankful that I am strong and healthy enough to do all of this. I can only say WOW! Thanks for your prayers!

We will be home Saturday night!

Kauai Update

The time is almost here. Tomorrow morning at the terribly early time of 4:30 we will get up and head out for our kayaking adventure along the NaPali coast - shown at left. We are so excited! Pray for us to not get seasick and for us to truly sense God and celebrate the "sacredness of the here and now" as we enjoy this adventure together. This is the lesson God had been speaking to both Phil and I on this trip - to enjoy the moment we are in. So we've had a great time exploring many different beaches, taking the unexpected side roads, and just generally being aware of both God and one another in each moment, putting our anxiety or regrets aside for this time away. And we are really having the most wonderful time!

Here's a few of our favorite things from our trip so far: driving around in our Mustang convertible with the top down exploring and finding beaches we've never been to, fighting over our Shave Ice and Phil getting a brain freeze cause he was trying to eat it before me, hiking down, down, down to Secret Beach and seeing the Kilueau lighthouse from there, discovering these great coconut chocolate cream puffs, flying over the Na Pali coast and all of the canyons and waterfalls (including the one from Jurassic Park) and only getting a  LITTLE motion sickness, going to church this morning at Calvary Chapel Kauai (they meet in a REAL tent - pcitures to come), getting breakfast every morning from our favorite coffee shop - Java Kai, Phil stopping TWICE as we were driving along to buy me a beautiful lei, eating a Puka Dog, eating at Keoki's!, Phil buying me the most beautiful Ni'ihu shell necklace and earrings,and just laying on the beach reading and doing only what we want to!

We are thankful for this great opportunity. Thank you for praying for us. We are enoying the wonder of God's creation here on Kauai and in one another. We can't believe that on June 2nd we will celebrate our 24th anniversary. I thank God for such a wonderful husband, my three sweet children and you, our friends. To all you ladies - Happy Mother's Day!

***Closed note to "Office Decorator" - touch my office at your own peril - I won't give you the chocolate covered macedamia nuts I bought you!***

Aloha for now!

   As of 5:30 am Wednesday morning Phil and I will be on our way to Kauai! We are very excited and have all sorts of fun things planned - a helicopter tour to see the parts of Kauai that are simply not accessible any other way, snorkeling at Tunnels Beach, hitting the Shrimp Station and trying different flavors of shrimp and eating with the locals, going all the way to Polihale Beach this time and seeing the dunes, renting a 4WD for a few days and doing some exploring, eating LOTS of shave ice (macadamia nut ice cream with shave ice and syrup - lingonberry/passion fruit -  all topped with CONDENSED MILK! YUMMY!), finding some hidden beaches and eating our hamburgers from Duane's Ono Charburger while we're sitting there, boogie boarding, taking some afternoon naps, maybe getting a massage, hiking along the coastline, eating at Keoki's Paradise, visiting the coffee plantation, and kayaking the Na Pali coast! We are well overdue some time away with one another and poor Phil deserves this break from work as well. So pray for us and keep checking back. I'm not going to blog everyday but I will try to share now and then some of the fun we're having, especially after our big 17  mile kayaking trip! Pray for us - for our safety, for us to enjoy one another, for us to hear from God and to sense Him in these beautiful surroundings and for us to be able to truly rest - body and soul. Pray for our family as well, that they will be safe and healthy while they are here at home and that no emergencies crop up for anyone to deal with. We're off to Hawaii - our happy place! As Phil says, "It's just good for the soul!".

Leading Worship Through Tragedy

Please forgive the length of this post - it's a story I hope you will take the time to read.

There are times of leading worship that I will never forget. Some are really high moments, times when I felt like our whole church was unified in praise, focused on celebrating Jesus with all that we have. But the most memorable times of leading worship for me have been in the wake of tragedy. Leading worship following 9-11 was stunning and literally brought me to my knees. But it was in leading worship following the death of a longtime friend, who was also our pastor’s wife, that I came to more fully understand the hope we find in worshiping God when it seems that all hell has broken loose around us.

My friend died on a Saturday night, taking her own life after a long and bitter battle with mental illness. I really hesitate to say that but I don’t think you can understand the rest of this without knowing that, and our former pastor has given me permission to share this experience with you. To die is one thing, to have someone who is a believer, a friend, a wife, a mother choose to leave you via death is another thing entirely. It affects you in a much different way and leaves more than grief in it’s wake. Suicide leaves questions, fear, anger, feelings of betrayal, confusion, feelings of guilt and so many more negative emotions for us left behind to deal with. If you were around, perhaps this rings true for you – I know that I still struggle with these feelings.

She died on a Saturday night, and I spent all  that night first on the scene with family, then calling people, meeting with church members and trying to figure out what we would do for our two services in the morning as we had to tell our church body. I can remember how strange it was to walk into church late that night where many friends had gathered to pray and to realize that they were looking to me for answers. And I was terrified to open my mouth because I didn’t know what to say or how to answer people’s deepest questions. One moment stands out very clearly – a dear friend of mine grabbed my hand as we prayed and whispered quietly, “God, you are still good.” That encapsulated what leading worship would be like for me in the following days – I clung to that truth like a life raft. I realized that although I had no explanations to heal our hearts, no words that would make the pain go away, I could give one gift – the gift of pointing our church family to the continued truth of God’s goodness. To be honest, many things about that morning are a blur - each moment was seen through a veil of tears and pain. I literally almost passed out in rehearsal because I cried so hard and wondered if I could really do this. I struggled to remember my role as a minister. But God met with us in an incredibly sweet way that morning in each service. It was probably one of our more meaningful times of worship. As a worship leader, I felt that I was more than a leader of worship - in that moment my role was more of a distributor of hope. People sat with their heads bowed, their countenance so sad and dismayed and full of grief. As they sang of the goodness of God and lived out the truth of the verse that says “yet will I praise You”, I felt like we were literally reaching out and lifting up people’s faces, causing them to gaze not at this awful situation, but into the face of the Almighty and Ever Present God. Together we remembered that God is indeed still good and I saw their expressions change from fear and grief to hope and expectation. God was with us.

As we planned the funeral we determined that we were going to worship God. And I can confidently say that we did. It wasn’t easy - it was the hardest set of worship I have ever led. I worried that my team would fall apart. If one of us could not carry on, another stepped up. I don’t mean to sound trite, and believe me, it wasn’t – but we purposed in those moments to point to God alone and somehow we made it through and led worship with as much grace and authenticity as we could. I've never been prouder of our team. I can clearly remember family and church member’s faces as they sang of God’s goodness, the reality of eternity with our Savior, raised their hands and cried out to God. We did not celebrate my friend’s death, but we did celebrate the hope and love of the One she is now with.

It is easy to lead worship on Easter. Everyone wants to party that day. It is easy to lead worship when we all “feel the Spirit” and are rejoicing. But it is much harder to lead worship when we have such heavy questions and grief swirling around inside us that we are unsure that we can even continue to stand, much less praise God. In those moments we have to ask our selves, “What do I truly believe about God?” and “Do I really mean what I am singing?”. It's a gut check. I’ve never felt the weight of leading worship like I did at this time and in the weeks that followed. I “grew up” as a minister of worship in those moments.

I thank God for my friend. We lost her to illness long before we lost her to actual death. I do not rejoice in her death but I do rejoice in this one thing – that she is in the presence of her King, her Savior, who makes all things new - and I know she is worshiping Him. Her death has taken me on a journey of seeking God more and more.

3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. 4 He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." 5 He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" (Rev. 21:3-5)

Lord Jesus, come quickly.

Early Mother's Day

I wanted to share my early Mother's Day with you all, mainly because Phil and Maria got some great family shots today. We have a history of making just horrible family pictures! Philip has two finals tomorrow so he was not with us. Enjoy these shots of my precious family! We went to eat at PF Changs at Bridge Street and enjoyed having lunch together. It was a good day!

 

   

Sabbatical Update May 2, 2008

Today, as I celebrate my personal day of Sabbath, I wanted to "rest" from serious writing and simply share with you a sabbatical update and share some prayer requests with you. As you know if you are a frequent reader, I spent the first Sunday of my time away in the Chicago area at a retreat center with the retreat group I am so fortunate to be a part of. I spent Sunday morning digging into "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality" and "Sacred Rhythms", praying for my family, and writing the first draft of the song, "Invitation", that I shared in yesterday's post. I came home Tuesday night and have focused the rest of this week on three very basic things:

1) Exercising regularly and making that a priority in my life. My goal is to walk at LEAST 4 miles a day, preferably more. I put my iPod on and away I go. I enjoy that time away, alone with God and my thoughts - the peacefulness of this time is therapeutic as well. Honoring the body God has given me is a spiritual discipline I am working to get a handle on.

2) Simplifying my life, purposefully resting and taking my time in order to hear from God. I find that I am at a loss without a long "to-do" list. I carried this horrible habit right on into my sabbatical! I mentioned this last week, but I really had to just delete many things I hoped to accomplish such as tasks around the house and focus on relationships and slowing down a bit more. I did get a couple of closets cleaned out but I only do those things when I just really want to. My focus is on being with God, resting and my family. I think this challenge is bigger than this so who knows what else God will show me about this area of my life.

3) Learning more about myself. I've noticed alot of things about myself the beginning of my sabbatical and this past retreat and I'm trying to take note, learn from it and make any shifts that God directs. Going at life at a more leisurely pace makes room for thoughtful introspection and prayer that is missing in a more fast-paced life. One day I may share what I have learned. Maybe!

You can pray for me in these ways particularly:

1) That I will be guided by God in what I choose to do each day. I felt so behind here at home that I thought I had to catch up and so I struggle with all of the things that are "undone" around me. Yet I know that the work God desires to do in my life is so much bigger than a closet or cabinet cleaned out! So I struggle to remain sensitive to God's voice and promptings.

2) That I will learn to relax and be still more. I still find sitting still without ANYTHING to do a real challenge. However, it is in quietness and stillness that I hear from God so clearly.

3) That I will make the needed changes in my life that God is guiding me to make.

4) That I could see myself clearly - both weaknesses and strengths - and discern God's hand in my life's story so I can step into the future with joy, gratitude and wisdom.

5) That Phil and I will have a great time as we go to Kauai next week (leaving Wednesday), great safety and that our hearts will be bonded together as we relax and enjoy this wonderful place God has made.

6) As we go that our children will be safe here at home. Pray for Daniel and Philip as they take final exams next week as well.

Thank you for your prayers and encouragement!

Invitation

I had planned to write about leading worship following my friend's death but I'm not quite up to that tonight. It's still quite an emotional topic for me. So I thought I would share something else. I wrote the other day that my retreat this past time was centered around the spiritual discipline of self-examination, or asking God to show us where in our lives, motivations and attitudes, thoughts, and of course, actions are simply "unlike Christ". As I prayed about this during my quiet time the morning prior to my retreat beginning I wrote a song as a prayer. It's not recorded yet, but here are the lyrics:

Invitation

(verse)

Create in me a heart that's pleasing to you

Come know me inside and out

Give me courage to pray, "here I am, have your way"

But I tremble before you now...

(chorus)

Here my cry to you, oh Lord

When there are simply no words left to pray

Here my cry to you, oh Lord

Transform all that I am in the light of your grace

(Bridge)

Invade all I am, come and see all of me

Help me rest in your love as your truth sets me free

Strip away the illusions and open my eyes

But never let me go, never let me go.....

I hope you can see my heart as well as my honest hesitancy as I wrote this prayer to God in the form of a song......maybe one day I'll record it, but for now I'm using it as a prayer and just singing it for my own self.

The Story Continues

**The last two years have been truly life changing for me. I know I will never be the same and God has used these experiences in ways I never could have imagined. Here's the beginning of that story, which follows rather closely what I shared at The Brook on Sunday, April 20th of this year. Please remember that I write this blog as an individual, not to represent The Brook in anyway and I write about these events with the knowledge and blessing of our former pastor.**

In January of 2006 I had two momentous events occur in my life. I turned 40 one day and came down with mono the next. To better understand my struggle with mono, you can read my post, “Two years ago”. To say the least, it was tough! It would take almost two years to recover and during that two years I would face the biggest emotional challenges of my life. Here is the beginning of that story.

In April of 2006, we had our regular Saturday night service and then a few of us stayed afterwards to rehearse some music for Easter services. Our student pastor was playing guitar and during this time we both got phone calls from our pastor. All we knew that our pastor’s wife may have tragically and unexpectedly died – we did not know if she was still alive or not. As we literally jumped off that stage and ran to the car, we were truly racing into the unknown. Our pastor’s wife was a long time friend of mine. We had known one another and shared life for 23 years. Phil and I attended their wedding, I helped with their wedding shower, we supported these friends through seminary and celebrated many special times in life together. Planting a church together was a dream come true. The ride to their home was surreal. I can remember thinking I would hyperventilate and pass out and the rest of the night did not get any better. It was a true nightmare for many reasons. And in the end we lost our friend.

As I sat in their living room I remember thinking “I have no idea what to do”. In this moment of tragedy I felt catapulted into caring for others, handling details, making decisions, making sure that ministry and services at The Brook went on unhindered. I felt responsible for making sure it all held together and the truth was I just had no idea how to do that. What we went through is not in a book or a class anywhere. I didn’t know how to make the dozens of phone calls I would have to make to break this news, but I did. I didn’t know how to plan and carry out two services the next morning and break the news to our church family, but we did that too. I didn’t know how to answer all of the questions, nor did I have the answers. I didn’t know how to lead worship after such an event but that was something I also would need to learn. And I didn’t know how to lead worship at the funeral of a friend, but that was something I must face as well. And during all of this I was torn, very torn, between my own incredible grief and my desire to minister to our pastor, his family and our church. It seemed I had no choice. I could not stop to pay attention to my own feelings because – after all – doesn’t a good soldier continue to fight and keep pressing on? I was needed and I was happy to be helpful in any small way I could. But it was undeniably hard.

It all seems a bit of a blur to me now. Some moments stand out in stark relief and others just seem like a shadow. I was shaken by moments of gut-wrenching physical grief when I would cry so hard I would almost throw up or feel like I was going to pass out. I couldn’t sleep or stand to be in the dark. I had recurring images flash through my mind and I would have nightmares as well if I ever did get to sleep. (all symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder I was later diagnosed with) Yet if you saw me during this time you probably would never have known these things because I tried so hard to keep doing what needed to be done. I didn’t think I had a choice. We had not only a family, but a church to care for. We were in an emergency situation and I couldn’t let down my guard, I had to keep on ministering and caring and handling things. I saw a mirrored stress on my fellow staff members as we all wondered what to do but none of us seemed able to really articulate what was going on inside of us – and in reality, who had the time anyway?! We were needed. And because I was needed, I could not stop to rest or even to grieve. Or at least this is what I told myself.

Tomorrow I may write about what it was like to lead worship the morning after this occurred and at the funeral......